Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Why I hate the word slut

I have been away for a while. Some changes in my personal situation and work situation put a halt to a large part of our kinky life and hence this blog. But life goes on and all sorts of kinky things are happening again so I figured it is time to return to this blog as well. The Wicked Wednesday prompt for this week (monogamy) is perfect for that since I have been struggling with something related.

The other day, MrReg told me again to behave like a slut and have sex with other people (men) both online and in real life. Whenever MrReg tells me that, I feel anxious, frustrated, obstinate, sad and angry. Which is strange because I do like to have sex with other people, as I described in a previous post.

So after venting some of my frustration on twitter, I thought about why it bothers me so much during one of my runs. These were some of the things I came up with:
  • I am a pleaser. Even though some people call themselves 'slut' proudly, in general it is a curse word that shows a great deal of disapproval. I feel hurt when people call me names, except sometimes in play.
  • I need my friends approval. MrReg is quiet on the topic, he usually does not tell our friends that he wants me to fuck around. Good friends, some of whom I see every other week, don't understand why I need more people in my life, since I already have a master. I can feel their disapproval when I tell them I am going away for the weekend to play or have sex with someone else without MrReg.
  • I am in love. I am very focused on MrReg. Having sex with other people distracts me and especially in times when our relationship is less close. Of course, this is a catch 22; MrReg's interest in me spikes when I have sex with other people and becomes less when I don't.
  • I am submissive. I like being used. The word sluts implies the need to seek out men or women to have sex with because of the sex. Whereas my kink is to have sex with dominant men or women that want to use me. I need there be some type of control/dominance associated with it. It does not mean I always need pain or bondage as part of the equation, but it needs to be more or something else than just sex.
  • I am careful. I don't like the risks associated with having multiple partners, especially online. There are two types of risks here: physical, because having multiple partners puts me at risk for STDs and psychological because playing online puts me at risk of being exposed.  
  • I am afraid to be rejected. I feel insecure about my body, my age and my face and feel like I make a fool of myself when I try to find partners. Again a catch 22: if I don't engage with other people I run the risk of being rejected by MrReg, if I do I run the risk of being rejected by them.
  • I am proud. I like to feel special and I don't want to engage in sex with just any man 'out there'. Being told to be a slut demotes me to the lowest rank, anybody is good enough to touch me.
I am a sexual and physical person. When I like someone, I enjoy having sex with that person. Or to cuddle. In general, I like sex in a BDSM setting or with very good friends. In the last couple of years I have done both. It is fun, I love those friends dearly and it has improved our sex life. It made me less self conscious and I learned a lot about different types of sex (with women, threesomes with 2 men, threesome with 2 women, men that are circumsized, etc etc). In fact, this month alone I have had one date, agreed to have another one next week and made plans for two more for the end of the year.

However, all this does not make me a slut. I will never claim to be monogamous. I like to have sex with different people. People that I like, admire and that somehow appeal to me. But I am not a slut. Even though I am supposed to be one.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

16 comments:

  1. This is a post that got me thinking about myself and in which context I like to be called a slut or not. Also about other aspects around our relationship. Thanks for sharing a bit of insight into your situation. It's always nice to read the views of others.

    And even more important: Welcome back to blogging and welcome back to Wicked Wednesday!

    Rebel xox

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    1. I know there are some similarities and differences in our situations. Let's discuss this over a coffee soon, would love to hear your views in more detail :)

      xx dedi

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  2. Maybe the resistance to conflating sluttishness with non-monogamy is because well, they're not synonymous, you're right to challenge the assumption that non-monogamy means 'sex-with-anyone'.
    Maybe also it doesn't work for you because slut also is a term of humiliation, it puts you on a 'lowest rank' as you say. And maybe your kink for being used, is not the same as being humiliated. I like a degree of humiliation, of being put on that lowest rank, so the term works for me, espeically when said with affection. But with that affection I also hear a celebration of my love of sex, and how he revels in it with me. So I am once demoted and exhalted...
    Super super chuffed to have you back.

    PS if you get a version of this twice, I think there's a glitch.

    Lots of love,
    Twiglet @ 100 Acres Sub

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    1. Yes, those things are true too. It depends on how the word is used and what my state of mind is at the time. In terms of humiliation the verdict is not out yet in my case. I really feel very conflicted about that. Part of me wants and needs it, part of me is scared out of her mind about it

      xx dedi

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  3. One of the things that intrigues me about the notion of calling myself a slut is the idea of 'choosiness'. I am choosy about who I sleep with and when. I always feel a bit frustrated, when someone uses the word slut, like they are not respecting my choice to be choosy - which is as much about who I do sleep with as who I don't.

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  4. My ex used to call me slut a lot. I've never really liked that term being used to address me. It mostly just confuses me. I don't have any of the requirements for the word slut, regardless of how you feel about what makes a slut. I mean, I've had sex with one person, I dress like a prudish hippie. Hell, I don't even watch porn. I know people who enjoy being called slut and embrace it like a badge of honor. Aside from not being into the humiliation aspect, I've just never found any identification with the word. I like sex, but slut's just never worked for me.

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    1. hahahaha, I never connected hippie with prudish before. Thanks for the response, I did not put clothing in the equation but it is part of my problem as well. I am ambiguous about provocative (for lack of a better word) clothing.

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  5. Hi dedi, Welcome back.I enjoyed reading your post and feel an urge to write a blog myself. I still have to do a lot of the 30-list...

    About the topic: I feel that the word slut has something impersonal, it feels like a thing you can use. You are not a thing but likes to be used by the right persons and most preferable in a BDSM setting.

    As you know i am a switch, although it's been a long time for me as a sub (it's time to be dominated again ;-) ). My BDSM name 'Sleter' comes partly from 'slet' (dutch for slut) but I don't like to be humiliated, I just like to be used.

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    1. Ah yes, I forgot about your name (btw I need to do a lot of the 30 days too). I never thought about that in the context of who you are, or about using the word for male submissives (or switches ;) ).

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  6. I think as with any label, it's very subjective. I will call myself a slut but I'm only Sir's slut, no one else's. A few friends could call me that in a teasing way but that would be my limit. Anyone outside that circle and I would be offended and angry.

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    1. thanks, yes you are right it is very subjective and personal.

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  7. A very thoughtful post. Words can have a lot of power, can't they? I embrace the word 'slut' for myself, but it's extremely personal, and I would never call someone else a slut unless it was clear they embraced the label.

    Perhaps MrReg has a different perception of what 'slut' can mean than you do? It could be a word he's using in a complimentary rather than derogatory sense (one of my partners calls me a slut often, and it's definitely a term of endearment) - which your writing makes it clear is not how you feel about it, but perhaps he's unaware of that? Just a thought.

    xx Dee

    xx Dee

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  8. You seem very aware of your and MrReg's needs, and they seem to follow the same path for the most part. It's okay to be a choosy slut (if you fully embrace the term slut, and I'm unsure if you do).
    I'm a bit envious. I wish my husband was as open to outside sexual relationships.

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  9. For me, the term slut is one said with affection and a term of endearment, but only in the context of my relationship with Sir. I will not tolerate it from anyone else, I detest the underlying degredation implied when spoken to me by others.
    I have a little ceremony with Sir when we meet up after his being away for a while that involves me affirming my place as his slut. I enjoy that, I like being used, but ONLY by him.

    It's a funny word, with so many connotations.

    Flip xx

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